My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
