Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
