Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Randomize
