My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Randomize
