I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
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