I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
Randomize
