As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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