so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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