My Higher Power is John Stamos
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
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