hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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