I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
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