She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
