What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
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