All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Randomize
