I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Randomize
