im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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