Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
