just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
