i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
