He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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