I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
