I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
