is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
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