census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
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