i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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