I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
