I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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