I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize
