Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
