so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
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