she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
