Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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