the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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