is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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