Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
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