I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
