The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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