In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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