it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
