did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
porn star boner night. come get it.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
