She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
