ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
