oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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