Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
