my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
