So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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