I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
