every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
