I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
did i just pee glitter
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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