I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize