I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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