I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
