i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
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