I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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