She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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