does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize
