dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
accomplished twins. life is a go
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
