ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Randomize
