Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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