I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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