jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
