Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
