I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
