My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Two words: nipple clamps
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