I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
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