im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Randomize
