you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
be right there i have to get my cape
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
