Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
