mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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