Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
