Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
