I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize