you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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