guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
